. So, if you are ready to hear it (there will be parts all throughout with TMI - just a forewarning), here is my story.
I woke up early on March 23 completely expecting to have started AF (Aunt Flo). To my surprise, I hadn't. I was 2 days late; that rarely happens to me. I had some suspicions that I could be pregnant, but kept telling myself I wasn't. Needless to say, I pulled out the test, peed on it, and not even a minute of time had elapsed when I saw that + sign pop up. Can I just say, most amazing feeling ever?! I was so happy, crying, jumping up and down, all in the confines of my bathroom. If Josh had been at home he would have thought I was going crazy. On my lunch break that day, I bought a digital test, just to be sure. I came back to work and took it. It only took another minute to see those words pop up on that little digital screen: Pregnant. Wow. It wasn't a false positive. This was really happening. Now, to figure out how to tell Josh! At first it was going to be a big surprise and I had a baby bottle I bought and put in a gift bag and was going to have him open it. That just seemed too extravagant, and I wanted to just tell him. I went with a more suttle approach. I was purposely loud when I came home from work that day so he would wake up... luckily he did. I waited in the bedroom with him for just a few minutes and we talked about my day. When the time was right, I told him I had a surprise. When he asked what it was, I pulled the 2 tests out from behind my back and said "take a look". He squinted and tried to figure out what it said. Finally I just couldn't hold it in and said "I'm Pregnant"! He was speechless, but excited. I think he was just pretty much in shock.
I had my first Dr. appointment at 6 weeks. Everything was great. Bloodwork was normal, and we even got to hear the heartbeat. It was a strong 119bpm. I actually had a baby in there... something with another beating heart was inside of me. I'll never forget that moment for as long as I live.
Fast forward to 9 weeks. I had some brown spotting that obviously alarmed me. I was so nervous. Called the Dr. and she told me to come in for an ultrasound. Everything was fine, and I heard the heartbeat again. I had more blood taken just to be sure my levels were ok, and I was put on Progesterone.
We told everyone we were pregnant way too soon... We told family after our first Dr. appointment, which was fine, but I should never have Facebook announced it. I did that way too early.
Work was not going well for me. About a week after I found out I was pregnant, I found out that the position I was hired in at was going to be eliminated. I had to be switched to another position, which was commission only pay after the first 3 months. Can you imagine how nervous I was? Pregnant, hormonal, sick all the time... and now the added stress of worrying about my paycheck. After extensive conversations with Josh about my job and saying many prayers, begging God to just lead me to do what was best, I decided to leave my job.
I had my "first" Mother's Day. Josh bought me a rose... so thoughtful and sweet. We went out to eat with Josh's family.
Fast forward to May 21, 2011. I went to bed the night before telling myself that I didn't "feel" pregnant, but immediately brushed away that thought away with thoughts of what it would be like sleeping in a glider rocker, with my baby on my chest, in the nursery we were going to paint in the coming months... I woke up that Saturday morning with a funny cramp that I'd never felt before. I figured it was just the normal expanding of the uterus cramps that I felt every couple of weeks when I knew the baby was getting bigger. It was very weird though because it just lingered all morning long and wouldn't go away. I took some Tylenol. That didn't help. We were supposed to go to a wedding that day, so we got ready, and as soon as we started to head out the door I felt a small gush of fluid come out of me. I thought that wasn't right and felt weird. I went to the bathroom to see that it was clear fluid with a tinge of red in it. I thought to myself, No God, please not this. Anything but this. Josh and I hauled it to the Jefferson Memorial ER. As we were standing there waiting to be checked in I felt more fluid. A lot more this time. Come to find out that this was technically my water breaking. I was "going into labor" and the fluid was my gestational sac breaking. Once that happens, your miscarriage has started. The Dr. or nurses wouldn't tell me anything until after I had the ultrasound, but they didn't have to. I could tell by the look on their faces that they knew what was happening. Unfortunately, so did I. That day went by so quickly. Once I was admitted, we waited about 2 or 3 hours for the ultrasound technician to come get me. When I was in that room getting the ultrasound, lots of tissue started to come out... I have never seen that much blood in my life. I couldn't believe that everything keeping my baby alive was laying there on that table when I got up from it. The ultrasound was blank. There was nothing left. After I was taken back to my room, the nurse came in to clean me up. The Dr. then came in with the bad news that I already knew. Luckily he was very compassionate and brokenhearted (even though he didn't know me from Adam). He did an exam to make sure he didn't have to do a D&C. I didn't need one, because everything was going to pass naturally. By this time, Josh's parents had shown up, and the look on my face gave them the awful news. I felt so bad that I had lost their grandbaby. I guess all women who have experienced a miscarriage blames themselves at the beginning. I kept asking myself what I did wrong. Did I lift something? Completely racking my brain to find out the cause, I finally realized and accepted that this is what God had in store. He needed my baby in heaven more than I needed it here. I don't know why yet, but I trust God and his plan for us.
That night when I got home, the pain was awful. To make matters worse, I couldn't sleep for anything. I wasn't fully done passing everything and was constantly up and down to the bathroom all night. Once I finally dozed off I only slept for about 2 or 3 hours. I woke up at 5:30am in the worst pain I had ever been in in my entire life. I couldn't get comfortable on my side, my back or even up walking around. It was terrible. Imagine the worst cramps you've ever had and multiply that by 100. It was worse than that. I kept thinking I had to go to the bathroom, but everytime I sat down, nothing happened. I was already in tears over the whole situation, then to have to go through all of this pain. It just wasn't fair. The hydros that the Dr. prescribed didn't even touch the pain. Finally at around 7am, I was on the toilet and nothing was happening. Josh was in there with me, upset that he couldn't do anything to help me or make me feel better. Poor guy was a trooper though. He can't stand the sight of blood and he didn't pass out once throughout the whole ordeal. Anyway, I was in there talking to him, crying, and all of a sudden a softball sized clot came out of me with force. I was so shocked because as soon as it came out I immediately felt better and was up and walking around. (TMI) In the back of my mind though, I knew what had happened. I the awful pain I was experiencing were contractions. I was "in labor" and had just delivered. That clot was my baby and my placenta. I couldn't flush the toilet, and I didn't for about 5 hours. I couldn't comprehend that my dead baby was laying there. I couldn't flush it. I had feelings of wanting to get it out and bury it with the placenta, but I knew that would freak Josh out and I didn't want to have a discussion about it. So, I sat there in the bathroom, looking into the toilet, said a prayer and said goodbye to my baby... It sounds awful and weird, but I did. I had another mini-breakdown right there on my bathroom floor for about an hour. I felt a little more at peace knowing it was over, and at least I was feeling better.
The following week was a blur. I spent countless hours just laying in bed crying and watching TV, sleeping when I could, and trying to avoid everything laying around my house dealing with my pregnancy. I took all the ultrasound pictures, pregnancy books and my countdown calendar and put it in a bag and stuck it in the corner of the closet where I'd never have to see it. I didn't want to hear about anyone being pregnant or having a baby. I was so mad and jealous every time I heard someone talk about their pregnancy or their new baby. I knew in my heart I shouldn't feel this way, but I couldn't help it. I didn't watch 16 & Pregnant for weeks, and that had been my favorite show even before I was pregnant. I just couldn't handle it. Luckily I was unemployed during this time and was able to avoid it at all costs.
Now that 2 months have passed, I am finally healing. I realize now that this is God's plan for me. Even though I know I shouldn't, I still want to try and figure out why God needed me to go through this, what was he preparing me for? Am I going to be able to have more children? When will I get pregnant again? Am I going to have to go through this again? Even though this was a horrible experience for us, and any other woman/couple to have to go through, it has been good for Josh and I. Maybe we just needed to experience a tragedy to bring us closer together to better prepare us for a future baby? I don't know, but I trust God and know that he has an awesome plan for our future. My faith is all I have to go on right now, and things are starting to fall back into place right now. I have finally landed another full time job, and am very excited about adding yet another chapter to my life story.
I hope this post didn't offend anyone or wasn't too graphic. I just felt like I really needed to share my story.
It has been such a long time since I have posted here. SO much has changed in my life. For all the ones who don't (or do) know me, I'm going to share my pregnancy/miscarriage story here. I am finally feeling like its time to open up and talk about it. This subject seems so taboo, and I hate feeling like I can't speak about it completely and openly, except on the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss or Trying to Conceive After a Loss message boards over at