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Nov. 3rd, 2011

my hubby is a stranger.

Not really true, but it sure feels like it right now. He has been working so much overtime lately! He has been going in between 7:30 and 8:30 for the last month or so. By the time I get home, he has already showered and is usually ready for work. I haven't really cooked a good dinner in over a month, because I don't have time. I am so thankful that he has a job, but a little break would be nice. He warned me that after vacation it would be like this... I didn't listen. Maybe they will come off of overtime by the end of the year. It's good for the bank, but I miss my hubby!

Work is still going great. Over the past week I have learned lots of new things, and will be learning a bit more in the coming weeks. I like being a "Girl Friday", but its all coming at me really quickly. I'm sure I can handle it, but I wonder about it sometimes, haha.

Oct. 6th, 2011

i've been a bad blogger.

This blog is going to be all over the place and jump around from topic to topic a lot, I think:

It's been a while since my last post. Life has been crazy over the past few weeks! I'm ready for things to slow down a little... I don't think its that we/I have been "busy", I think I've just been emotionally drained, and I feel like I have been so busy. I really haven't done a whole lot though - just a lot on my mind and that is taking a toll on my overall well being. Emotions and hormones are going crazy for some reason, but not the reason I want it to be!

Over the past month, I've been on a week vacation, squeezed in as much time as possible with a dear friend who just moved to California (I miss you Tanya!), visited with Heather and the new baby, really settled into my new job, completely neglected cleaning my house, gone to every TN home game (with the exception of 1 while we were on vacation) and prayed a whole, whole lot.

Praying is rewarding, but exhausting. Unfortunately there are so many things happening to so many people right now. I've physically sat down and written out a list of who to pray for. I really feel like I am where I am in life right now for a reason. I am surrounded by so many positive people of faith and it has made mine so much stronger. I am a firm believer in the saying "things happen for a reason". Like I said before, I am emotionally drained, but I am getting better every single day. I have really not been myself at all over the past few months, and I think I am slowly moving back towards my old self. I have been hopeful for certain things for a while, and that hope has not faded. My time will come when God is ready. I'm trying to learn patience. That is something I have never been good at.

I have mentioned before that I am a frequent poster on the TTCAL board on The Bump. There have been so many women, like myself, who have suffered a loss that have given me so much hope and advice over these past months. There is always someone there to talk to, who understands exactly what I am going through. Over the past 2 weeks, several of those women have gotten the great news that they are pregnant again. These women give me hope, and I am so happy for them.

I've rambled enough tonight. I have got to go put up some laundry and do the dishes. I'm supposed to be a Domestic Goddess right about now, but that hasn't happened yet. Probably never will. Oh well. Goodnight!

Sep. 6th, 2011

words of wisdom.

I was speaking to someone about my loss today and received some wonderful words of wisdom. I really wanted to share them for those of you whom it may affect:

Don't get stuck in your emotions. I need to come through it rather than stay in it. Not at all saying that I should 'get over it' or anything like that. An example of what she was talking about was part of the verse that reads "Though I WALK through the valley of the shadow of death..." WALK, not stay. We were meant to experience it, mourn it and come through it knowing that there was a reason for it. We weren't meant to stay in our emotions (in that shadow of Death) God is with us as we are experiencing it, coming through it and healing from it.

Hearing her say that, and putting that part of the verse to it made so much sense to me.

Sep. 5th, 2011

holiday weekends make me happy.

Ah, Labor Day weekend. Sadly, it is coming to a close. We had a busy, but fun filled weekend. Friday we went to Newport right after I got off of work to attend a surprise birthday party for an old friend. I had fun catching up with everyone.

Saturday we went to see the game. We were supposed to meet some friends there beforehand, have lunch and catch up, but the traffic was awful and we ended up not being able to meet up in time. It was the season opener, but geez, we didn't think it would be THAT packed on the strip. You could barely move and the heat was unbearable. We had to walk so far and I thought I was going to have a heat stroke, lol. Instead of meeting up with them, we just went to the cafeteria in the UT Bookstore and had a hot dog. After that we walked around the store for a bit. We finally got inside and made it to our seats (we have an awesome view). About 5 minutes before kick-off, the announcer came over the loud speaker and said that there was inclement weather within 10 miles of Neyland Stadium. *Awesome* Josh just HAD to utter the words "This is looking very reminiscent of the Oregon game last year...". Sure enough, we had to evacuate into the corridors. We stood out there for about 15 minutes and then it started, and boy it started quick. We were absolutely dripping wet, all hugged up against these strangers. It was wet and stinky and uncomfortable. After it slowed down a bit we were allowed to go back inside to our seats. It was still drizzling, but who cares, we were already soaking wet (and freezing). I think the temp dropped from like 97 to 74 within the hour. They finally started the game and we won, thank goodness. I would've hated to have sat through all of that for a loss! After the game we were supposed to meet up with my cousin and her hubby, but we were both wet, dirty, tired and ready to call it a night, so we decided to meet up another time.

Sunday we went to the lake with the in-laws. We jumped in and swam for a bit. After we got out we decided to go have some pizza at Pizza Inn (never again! my stomach has been tore up all day today!). The rain started really bad last night, so we just stayed there. We had brought the girls (dogs) with us so it wasn't a big deal. We woke up today to even more rain. Josh's mom fixed us a big breakfast and then we packed up and came home. I've been cleaning house and doing laundry all day... shew, I'm tired. I feel like I need another day off to re-energize from the long weekend, but I'll survive I suppose.

Aug. 30th, 2011

it's football time in TN.

Well, there isn't really much to update anyone on. I've been working, coming home, fixing dinner, cleaning up, seeing Josh off to work and going to bed!

This past weekend we went to my MIL's to get our hair done. Saturday we went to the lake and hung out on the houseboat, did a little swimming and a little fishing.

Sunday I went out and did my couponing for the week.

That's pretty much it. We are pretty boring... this weekend, however, will be a different story. We are going to be so busy! Visiting with friends and family, the first UT game of the season (GO VOLS!) and hanging out at the lake again with the in-laws (hopefully doing a lot of swimming and fishing). Not to mention I am off of work on Monday for Labor Day, woohoo!

Aug. 16th, 2011

look who has NOT got a case of the Mondays!

Well, work today was good. I finally got through all of the files the boss-man had piled up. We re-organized the filing cabinets (cause I'm awesome like that) and I suggested a new way to keep track of everything in the files - so it looks like we will be working on that tomorrow. I'm learning something new every day and really enjoying it. I couldn't be happier.

God really has a way of turning things around. I have to give Him all of the thanks for my (our) blessings. We may have had a rough year so far, but I am still certain that His plan is the best one for us. No matter what kind of day I'm having, this is the first thing I try to think of in the morning when I wake up. It gives me hope on bad days, and makes my good days even better.

On a side note, I spent all evening in the kitchen getting dinner for tomorrow night ready and preparing things for me to take to lunch all week. I made a tasty pasta salad that I am super proud of, cut up some cucumbers, soaked some grapes, made a sandwich for tomorrow and packed everything up. Lucky me got to clean up the kitchen after all that was done. Yay!

Josh and I watched "Limitless" before I started my cooking. He wasn't too big of a fan of it, but I loved it! I mean, how can you not love a movie with Bradley Cooper in it (with the exception of "All About Steve", because that movie made my eyes bleed)? For those that have seen it, can you imagine if there were such a pill? I think the world would be a much scarier place than it is already if it existed.

I've rambled enough for the evening. I just wanted to be sure and make a post, because I promised myself that I would try to blog at LEAST once a week. Goodnight!

Aug. 12th, 2011

new chapter.

Ah, its finally Friday! I started my new job on Monday, and I LOVE it! It is going so well, and I am so relieved. The people I work with are great and have been so accommodating and welcoming. I feel like I'm really going to enjoy this, and be there for a very long time.

In other news, I am still feeling good! I have been in a very hopeful, positive, faithful mood for a while now. It's not going away, and I am so glad. I am sure I will still have bad and/or emotional days, but hopefully they will be few and far between.

Some days I will see a pregnant woman or a baby and get a little sad, but instead of thinking "that baby should be mine" or "I should still be pregnant", I am thinking of how cute that baby will be/is. This is a good thing, and I am so happy I have finally reached this point and stayed there for longer than 1 day. I have to give God all of the credit for my good mood. I prayed so hard for God to give me peace, and he has.

Josh is out for the night. He didn't sleep while I was at work today, so he will be asleep until I wake up in the morning. I think he has been up for like, 24 hours now, lol. Hopefully the storms stay away tomorrow so we can have another fun date day/night like we did last week. We had a great time just going out to eat, talking and not feel rushed because we had to do anything. It was great.
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Aug. 5th, 2011

saying goodbye.

I'm going to try to start posting here more often. I promise. I say that every time I have taken a hiatus from blogging. It probably won't happen, but whatever. No one reads this thing anyway.

Today was my last day at Food City. I've been working there for about a month now until I was able to find a full time job. Luckily, a couple of weeks ago, I got a call for a job I had applied for. I went in for the interview (which is another story in itself that I would rather not talk about) and was offered the job the following day. I decided to work out a notice with Food City in case, God forbid, this one doesn't work out. I see absolutely no reason why it shouldn't, but with the luck I've had with jobs lately you never know! If there is one thing I have learned about Corporate America, it's that you can't trust anyone or anything they tell you. Nothing is guaranteed. I'm sad to leave Food City, because it brought back so many memories of my high school days when I used to work there... I was hoping to stay with them longer than what I did, but at the same time, I'm so glad to be starting a full-time office job again (no weekends, woohoo)!

I was supposed to get my "hair did" today, but plans changed. Time to go start dinner :)

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Aug. 4th, 2011

updates on life and a very emotional story that I must share.

It has been such a long time since I have posted here. SO much has changed in my life. For all the ones who don't (or do) know me, I'm going to share my pregnancy/miscarriage story here. I am finally feeling like its time to open up and talk about it. This subject seems so taboo, and I hate feeling like I can't speak about it completely and openly, except on the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss or Trying to Conceive After a Loss message boards over at The Bump. So, if you are ready to hear it (there will be parts all throughout with TMI - just a forewarning), here is my story.

I woke up early on March 23 completely expecting to have started AF (Aunt Flo). To my surprise, I hadn't. I was 2 days late; that rarely happens to me. I had some suspicions that I could be pregnant, but kept telling myself I wasn't. Needless to say, I pulled out the test, peed on it, and not even a minute of time had elapsed when I saw that + sign pop up. Can I just say, most amazing feeling ever?! I was so happy, crying, jumping up and down, all in the confines of my bathroom. If Josh had been at home he would have thought I was going crazy. On my lunch break that day, I bought a digital test, just to be sure. I came back to work and took it. It only took another minute to see those words pop up on that little digital screen: Pregnant. Wow. It wasn't a false positive. This was really happening. Now, to figure out how to tell Josh! At first it was going to be a big surprise and I had a baby bottle I bought and put in a gift bag and was going to have him open it. That just seemed too extravagant, and I wanted to just tell him. I went with a more suttle approach. I was purposely loud when I came home from work that day so he would wake up... luckily he did. I waited in the bedroom with him for just a few minutes and we talked about my day. When the time was right, I told him I had a surprise. When he asked what it was, I pulled the 2 tests out from behind my back and said "take a look". He squinted and tried to figure out what it said. Finally I just couldn't hold it in and said "I'm Pregnant"! He was speechless, but excited. I think he was just pretty much in shock.

I had my first Dr. appointment at 6 weeks. Everything was great. Bloodwork was normal, and we even got to hear the heartbeat. It was a strong 119bpm. I actually had a baby in there... something with another beating heart was inside of me. I'll never forget that moment for as long as I live.

Fast forward to 9 weeks. I had some brown spotting that obviously alarmed me. I was so nervous. Called the Dr. and she told me to come in for an ultrasound. Everything was fine, and I heard the heartbeat again. I had more blood taken just to be sure my levels were ok, and I was put on Progesterone.

We told everyone we were pregnant way too soon... We told family after our first Dr. appointment, which was fine, but I should never have Facebook announced it. I did that way too early.

Work was not going well for me. About a week after I found out I was pregnant, I found out that the position I was hired in at was going to be eliminated. I had to be switched to another position, which was commission only pay after the first 3 months. Can you imagine how nervous I was? Pregnant, hormonal, sick all the time... and now the added stress of worrying about my paycheck. After extensive conversations with Josh about my job and saying many prayers, begging God to just lead me to do what was best, I decided to leave my job.

I had my "first" Mother's Day. Josh bought me a rose... so thoughtful and sweet. We went out to eat with Josh's family.

Fast forward to May 21, 2011. I went to bed the night before telling myself that I didn't "feel" pregnant, but immediately brushed away that thought away with thoughts of what it would be like sleeping in a glider rocker, with my baby on my chest, in the nursery we were going to paint in the coming months... I woke up that Saturday morning with a funny cramp that I'd never felt before. I figured it was just the normal expanding of the uterus cramps that I felt every couple of weeks when I knew the baby was getting bigger. It was very weird though because it just lingered all morning long and wouldn't go away. I took some Tylenol. That didn't help. We were supposed to go to a wedding that day, so we got ready, and as soon as we started to head out the door I felt a small gush of fluid come out of me. I thought that wasn't right and felt weird. I went to the bathroom to see that it was clear fluid with a tinge of red in it. I thought to myself, No God, please not this. Anything but this. Josh and I hauled it to the Jefferson Memorial ER. As we were standing there waiting to be checked in I felt more fluid. A lot more this time. Come to find out that this was technically my water breaking. I was "going into labor" and the fluid was my gestational sac breaking. Once that happens, your miscarriage has started. The Dr. or nurses wouldn't tell me anything until after I had the ultrasound, but they didn't have to. I could tell by the look on their faces that they knew what was happening. Unfortunately, so did I. That day went by so quickly. Once I was admitted, we waited about 2 or 3 hours for the ultrasound technician to come get me. When I was in that room getting the ultrasound, lots of tissue started to come out... I have never seen that much blood in my life. I couldn't believe that everything keeping my baby alive was laying there on that table when I got up from it. The ultrasound was blank. There was nothing left. After I was taken back to my room, the nurse came in to clean me up. The Dr. then came in with the bad news that I already knew. Luckily he was very compassionate and brokenhearted (even though he didn't know me from Adam). He did an exam to make sure he didn't have to do a D&C. I didn't need one, because everything was going to pass naturally. By this time, Josh's parents had shown up, and the look on my face gave them the awful news. I felt so bad that I had lost their grandbaby. I guess all women who have experienced a miscarriage blames themselves at the beginning. I kept asking myself what I did wrong. Did I lift something? Completely racking my brain to find out the cause, I finally realized and accepted that this is what God had in store. He needed my baby in heaven more than I needed it here. I don't know why yet, but I trust God and his plan for us.

That night when I got home, the pain was awful. To make matters worse, I couldn't sleep for anything. I wasn't fully done passing everything and was constantly up and down to the bathroom all night. Once I finally dozed off I only slept for about 2 or 3 hours. I woke up at 5:30am in the worst pain I had ever been in in my entire life. I couldn't get comfortable on my side, my back or even up walking around. It was terrible. Imagine the worst cramps you've ever had and multiply that by 100. It was worse than that. I kept thinking I had to go to the bathroom, but everytime I sat down, nothing happened. I was already in tears over the whole situation, then to have to go through all of this pain. It just wasn't fair. The hydros that the Dr. prescribed didn't even touch the pain. Finally at around 7am, I was on the toilet and nothing was happening. Josh was in there with me, upset that he couldn't do anything to help me or make me feel better. Poor guy was a trooper though. He can't stand the sight of blood and he didn't pass out once throughout the whole ordeal. Anyway, I was in there talking to him, crying, and all of a sudden a softball sized clot came out of me with force. I was so shocked because as soon as it came out I immediately felt better and was up and walking around. (TMI) In the back of my mind though, I knew what had happened. I the awful pain I was experiencing were contractions. I was "in labor" and had just delivered. That clot was my baby and my placenta. I couldn't flush the toilet, and I didn't for about 5 hours. I couldn't comprehend that my dead baby was laying there. I couldn't flush it. I had feelings of wanting to get it out and bury it with the placenta, but I knew that would freak Josh out and I didn't want to have a discussion about it. So, I sat there in the bathroom, looking into the toilet, said a prayer and said goodbye to my baby... It sounds awful and weird, but I did. I had another mini-breakdown right there on my bathroom floor for about an hour. I felt a little more at peace knowing it was over, and at least I was feeling better.

The following week was a blur. I spent countless hours just laying in bed crying and watching TV, sleeping when I could, and trying to avoid everything laying around my house dealing with my pregnancy. I took all the ultrasound pictures, pregnancy books and my countdown calendar and put it in a bag and stuck it in the corner of the closet where I'd never have to see it. I didn't want to hear about anyone being pregnant or having a baby. I was so mad and jealous every time I heard someone talk about their pregnancy or their new baby. I knew in my heart I shouldn't feel this way, but I couldn't help it. I didn't watch 16 & Pregnant for weeks, and that had been my favorite show even before I was pregnant. I just couldn't handle it. Luckily I was unemployed during this time and was able to avoid it at all costs.

Now that 2 months have passed, I am finally healing. I realize now that this is God's plan for me. Even though I know I shouldn't, I still want to try and figure out why God needed me to go through this, what was he preparing me for? Am I going to be able to have more children? When will I get pregnant again? Am I going to have to go through this again? Even though this was a horrible experience for us, and any other woman/couple to have to go through, it has been good for Josh and I. Maybe we just needed to experience a tragedy to bring us closer together to better prepare us for a future baby? I don't know, but I trust God and know that he has an awesome plan for our future. My faith is all I have to go on right now, and things are starting to fall back into place right now. I have finally landed another full time job, and am very excited about adding yet another chapter to my life story.

I hope this post didn't offend anyone or wasn't too graphic. I just felt like I really needed to share my story.

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